Sex and Cancer: Emotional effects
The experience of cancer may change the way you see yourself. This might be positive or negative.
You may worry about the way that you look and how other people see you. This can affect your confidence and your ability to maintain existing or build new relationships. You might find yourself questioning when to tell a new partner about your cancer and the effects that it may have had on you.
Lots of people worry a lot about their appearance and cancer can make these concerns more sensitive. Some people find that hair loss can be upsetting. Changes in weight are very common when undergoing treatment and can cause some people a lot of distress. When people gain weight rapidly, e.g. when they are taking steroids, it is not uncommon to get stretch marks which may affect a person’s body image. Some may worry about scarring from lines or operations and other general changes to the way you look with and beyond cancer.
It may help to talk to your CNS or psychosexual therapist about the way you are feeling as they can offer support and advice from their experiences of working with other people who have felt a similar way. Some people find it helpful to talk to someone who has gone through a similar experience to them. There are lots of support groups available and you can also ask your CNS to put you in touch with someone who may have had a similar experience.
Talking to support networks
The relationships you have with your friends can be really important in building a support structure during your treatment. But sometimes, there may be people who want to help but don’t know how to. Try talking to them and explaining how you feel and don’t be afraid to offer suggestions of what you need and what they can do to help. Some patients have even gone as far as scheduling their friends’ support with an online calendar!
Although your friends will probably want to help, you may feel like they don’t understand what you are going through, and of course that may be true to some extent. However it can help if you try to involve them, such as asking them to accompany you to the hospital for appointments or helping you with chores around the home.
You may find that other people in your treatment ward or centre have similar experiences to you. If you haven’t met anyone yet, you can ask your CNS to put you in touch with someone who is willing to talk. There are also many peer to peer services to support you.
Talking to your partner(s)
Continuing to have an active sex life during and after cancer treatment may be difficult for both you and your partner(s). You may lose interest or have less confidence, or it may be that other things are going on in your life which you feel are more important.
Sharing your feelings with your partner(s) and working through this time together can be helpful. They may be worried about hurting you, or that your cancer might be contagious. You can assure them that the cancer cannot be passed on to them.
If you feel uncomfortable about having sex you can still be intimate by hugging, touching and kissing. Intimacy does not have to result in sex if you do not want it to. You are always entitled to set boundaries about what you are feeling comfortable and willing to do.
Talking about and agreeing upon these boundaries with your partner(s) can help you to relax into the moment and feel more connected to your personal sense of sexual wellness and readiness. If you are unsure what these boundaries might look like or are not sure yourself of the changes that treatment has left you with, masturbation can be a useful way to re-establish a connection with your body and its sensations.
Your partner might be concerned about hurting you during sex. You may find it helpful to try different sexual positions that are more comfortable for you and communicate what you prefer with them.
Sometimes your partner might worry about you and feel that they don’t want to pressure you with sex in case you do not want it. Sometimes this can be misinterpreted and leave a person feeling that they are no longer attractive and desired by their partner. It is really important to discuss your feelings openly with your partner(s).
It is always important that you do not feel pressured into having sex with someone if you do not feel ready, no matter how long you have known them for.
Please discuss any concerns you have with a health professional or through our support services or those of our partner charities. Psychosexual therapists who are trained to support partners can also help people to navigate the experience of cancer and how it can affect sex and intimacy. There is also the option of having ‘couples counselling’ if you feel that this would help you.